How I Left Evangelicalism and Found God

My face when people tell me I’m not a real Christian…

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“The spiritual journey isn’t about being reunited with God, it’s about being reunited with ourselves; it’s not about getting back to God but coming to the awareness that God has always been right here, with us and in us.” 

Pastor Josh Scott

“Dignified or not, believable or not, ours is a God perpetually on bended knee, doing everything it takes to convince stubborn and petulant children that they are seen and loved.”

Rachel Held-Evans

The first quote comes from a sermon I listened to a couple weeks ago from a Church in Nashville, TN. It stuck out to me because it felt so true for me and my journey of deconstruction. My deconstruction helped me realize that Christianity isn’t about rules or institutions or even going to Church every Sunday. After I deconstructed, I realized that Christianity is about realizing that God has always been with me and that God and Jesus are loving. God was with me when I was in the hospital when I felt like I was worth nothing, God was with me when I came out and felt like my life was falling apart, God was with me when I got promoted at work and was so excited that my hard work finally paid off, God has been with me through all the good and bad no matter if it feels like they were there or not. The second quote comes from Rachel Held-Evans book Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again. Rachels words help me remember that through all those times when it felt like God wasn’t there, he was there, and he loved me. God was trying so hard to show me that she loved me and that she was there, but I was so unaware of how loving and present that she could be in my life that I couldn’t see her.

My accepting myself as being gay and my deconstruction of my Evangelical faith in a perfect world would have happened hand-in-hand, but we do not live in a perfect world (cue Romans 5:12, thank you Adam). When I started to accept myself as being gay, I didn’t have the resources on deconstruction, and I didn’t know where to find those resources or even that those such resources had existed. I felt stuck. I knew God was real because I had experienced him, and just as much as I knew that I knew I was gay. I felt like I had to choose one over the other. 

And I did, in a way. I knew I was gay, and I didn’t want to change that, so I guess some would say I chose myself (cue evangelicals saying I gave into my flesh). But to me it wasn’t choosing myself, it was choosing to not want to participate in a religion that made me an inherent sinner (among other things that were wrong with Evangelical Christianity). While yes, I believe we’re all sinners saved by Grace, but sins like lying, stealing, murder, etc. are all choices that are made. My attraction to men wasn’t a choice, it was (and is) natural. I didn’t want to participate in something that believed my love to be sinful. So, I guess yes, I still believed in God, but I didn’t want to be part of an institution that called me a sinner. I knew I had to do something, I had to find a place where my queerness was Holy, because queerness is Holy.

Deconstruction wasn’t easy or fun, I had to forget everything I had learned about God and the Church my whole life. I had to realize that so many people I had looked up to my whole life, people who were my moral and spiritual leaders were wrong about the Bible, wrong about God, and were wrong about Christianity as a whole. This sucked and was really hard, it was hard to realize that most everything I knew about God and Jesus were wrong. It sucked that most of the people that I looked up to were wrong and misused the Bible and Christianity to spew their hatred. I was grateful to have a few leaders who were going through a similar process at the same time and I was able to look up to them and ask them questions. 

I didn’t realize how loving God could actually be until I myself started loving and caring for all people she created. But once I realized that God and Jesus were so loving Christianity became 10x better for me, because now I believe in a loving God and I believe in a Jesus that would have helped the poor, a Jesus that would have stood up for BIPOC, a Jesus that would believe all people should have healthcare and food and housing, a Jesus that would have loved and affirmed LGBTQ+ people, a Jesus that would have listened to women preach. I believe in a Jesus that would welcome all people into his life with open arms and love, and I strive to be like him. 

Me being gay has brought me closer to God than I was when I was deep in the closet. Yes, I went to a physical Church building more when I was in the closet and I went on missions’ trips and I served in nurseries and I led a small group. But now as I am more confident in my faith Church now has become less about this physical building I walk into on a Sunday and more about how I experienced God; Church is listening to a sermon in the shower or listening to worship music while driving or going on a hike and praying the entire time. Like the quote says Church for me became realizing that God is always there, and I do not need to go to a building on Sunday to find him. 

All of this word vomit to say God loves all people, we were all created by her and in her image. And I am grateful to know this God, this God of love and compassion. Now the big question, would I call myself a Christian? My answer: I don’t know because yes, I believe in God and Jesus, but Conservative Evangelical Christians have given such a bad name to Christianity that I don’t like to describe myself as one. 

Here are some resources that helped tremendously in my deconstruction:

GracePointe Church: https://www.gracepointe.net, GracePointe is a Church that changed my life. They’re going through a series right now on what “Progressive Christianity” is and it’s amazing. This podcast (Apple) (Spotify) is their Pastor Emeritus Stan Mitchell speaking on his deconstruction and making GracePointe an affirming Church. 

UnClobbered is a book by Author and Pastor Colby Martin, it delves into the 6 clobber verses in the Bible. He also has a YouTube channel that has some awesome videos.

God and the Gay Christian is a book by Author Matthew Vines, is similar to UnClobbered but Matthew himself is gay so it’s a slightly different take.

Author and Blogger Rachel Held-Evans, literally anything by her is amazing. Sadly, she passed away in 2019 and does not have much content out.

Susan Cottrell, a mom of a Lesbian daughter and how she chose her daughter over her Evangelical Church and fights for change. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP01bH9Ljf4