“No, this is not a phase or a coming of age” -Girl in Red

Disclaimer: This is going to be messy and will probably feel like word vomit, that’s what it is, messy. Coming out is messy and hard and I am not going to sugarcoat it.  

That, for about 17 years was something that was so hard for me to say. But why? It’s just a part of me, I didn’t choose it. Just like my green eyes, it’s just a part of me. So let’s make that clear, being gay is not a choice. Believe me when I first started to realize I was gay I tried not to be, but I just couldn’t. You can ask my friends growing up, I tried to like girls, like a lot. But it just wasn’t working lol. To all those girls I apologize, my b. 

Every day since December 8th, 2014 I have thought about my coming out. I remember this moment so clearly, I was laying in my bottom bunk bed in my fuzzy sheets and procrastinating from my school work, I was scrolling through twitter and I kept seeing that a YouTuber was trending so I decided to watch his video, that video was Connor Franta’s coming out. Since then I have watched that video probably about 100 times. I have thought how I wanted to do it. Did I want it to be a big thing or just a post of me explaining myself or a video of me telling my story. I had to think about when I was willing to lose people close to me. I had to think of when I wanted my life to drastically change, and hopefully for the better. 

Former Presidential Candidate and Mayor of South Bend, Indiana Pete Buttigieg was once quoted saying this “If you could have offered me a pill that could make me straight, I would have swallowed it before you could give me a swig of water,”. This is the reality for most queer kids growing up, especially in the Church like I did. I know personally I would have done almost anything to be straight, and I tried to deny it for so so long. But the older I got the more comfortable I became with myself and more I started to love myself. 

Over the past 4 years I have grown so much in my sexuality. I have learned the pain of the LGBTQ+ community. I learned of the fights we have to fight everyday. I have learned of the fights the queer people before me fought for, especially queer POC. For them I am so grateful for the fights they fought and I hope that I can make at least a fraction of the changes they made. I accepted that fact that my rights can be stripped away at any moment. I accepted the fact that my rights are going to be fought in court rooms all the time. I accepted the fact that I might not be able to live somewhere because of my sexuality. I accepted the fact that I might not be able to adopt kids.  I had to accept the fact that up until a few days ago that I could be fired for being myself. I had to accept that people will call me slurs. I had to accept the fact that I will lose people close to me because of this. I had to accept the fact that my sexuality (that I didn’t choose) will affect my everyday life.

I am so thankful for my sexuality, it has made me a fighter, it has made me a learner, it has made me much more caring, it has made me so many things that this list could go on forever. 

Now if you want to discuss how I deconstructed and am currently reconstructing and reconciling Christianity with my sexuality that is a whole different discussion that I would be more than happy to have. 

To everyone who helped me through this process, whether you are a friend or family member, just know that I love you so so much and will always cherish the love you showed me.

Over the past year I have enjoyed this saying “Rainbow skies ahead”, I have repeated it to myself so many times to help me remember that better things are ahead. 

And remember love is love and love will always win, always. 

So all of this to say: Hi, I’m Turner and I am gay.