2019 Sucked

“One day I’ll run free on the very ground that tried to swallow me.” -Whitney Rakes Vesterfelt

That quote is from my late Worship Pastor and I hold it so close to me ever since I heard it at her memorial service in August. Yes this year did suck, but one day I will rise up from the pain I felt this year. I will run free on the ground that tried to swallow me this year. 

This one is gonna be a long one y’all, get ready. 

This year was by far the worst year I have ever had. My boyfriend broke up with me not once but twice, I stated cutting, I came out to my parents, I checked myself in to the hospital for suicidal ideations, and I struggled almost every day to love myself. 

In early March my boyfriend who I loved dearly broke up with me. We dated for 9 months and it felt like we had known each other forever and I wanted to know him and grow with him forever. This turned my whole life upside down and ruined my plans for my amazing 2019. We stayed in minimal contact for the next about month and a half. Then in the afternoon of April 26th I got a text from him saying that he was on his way to the hospital. My heart sank and I didn’t know what to do. I drove to work because literally all of my friends were working and when I got there I ran to them and started sobbing, I was still very much in love with him and all I thought in these moments was a world without him. Once I got there and talked to people and had calmed down a little bit I got in my car and drove to the hospital as fast as possible, when I got there I walked around the hospital for about half an hour trying to figure out where to go, getting multiple directions from multiple people. When I finally got where I needed to be, he was being stabilized and couldn’t see people at the moment and possibly for the rest of the day. After waiting for about 4 1/2 hours I got to see him for about 10 minutes, it was so worth it, I would have waited hours to make sure he was ok. The following week he was there I saw him every day and brought him clothes and food and snacks, I just wanted to make sure he felt cared for and valued. I felt like I needed to be there, so I was. 

Over the week he was in the hospital I had what felt like a heart attack. I was tingly, out of breath, and my heart rate spiked to 180 BPM. Obviously I went to the hospital and while I was there I was diagnosed with Supraventricular Tachycardia and was referred to a Doctor to be seen for it. Supraventricular Tachycardia is when you have an abnormally high heartbeat that originates above the 2 lower chambers of the heart and it can flare up in stressful situations. The Doctor confirmed that diagnosis and diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar II and placed me on medicine for them. 

Over the next couple weeks he and I were hanging out very often and on May 8th we got back together, this day was one of my happiest days of the year. While our relationship this time was brief (we broke up on June 7th), it was a lot different than it was the first time. Something was off, I ignored that because I was so so happy to be back with my person. This breakup hurt more than the first. I think it was because it gave me hope that we were gonna be back together forever. 

For some reason I decided I wanted this week to be stressful as fuck. So on June 9th I called my parents and did something I never thought I would be able to do, I came out to them while I was surrounded by friends and coffee (yes I was in a Starbucks when I came out to them). That night while stressful and emotional, felt very relieving. That night I called and texted probably 10 people to remind help myself that I was loved for me and that is something I still struggle with today. 

June 12th. I remember this day very vividly. I was at work and I started thinking to myself that I might not make it home that night, that I might leave work and never make it home. I just started sobbing and my coworker told me to take sometime and figure it out. I called my 2 friends, but being my usual self I didn’t want to bother them, but they could tell something was wrong. One of them came and picked me up from work took me home and I sat on the couch and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for what felt like hours. Sitting on that couch I knew I had to do something, I didn’t trust myself. So I went to my room, changed out of my uniform, and hugged Daisy my cat so so hard (I’m sure she was not a fan of that), and I left for the hospital. I got to the hospital and they asked lots of questions and lots of different people come in and see you. While I was there being assessed my friends who took me to the hospital made contact with my parents and told them what was going on. From there I was transferred to a rehabilitation center and spent a week there; that experience is a whole other story. 

From there I was placed with a therapist and psychiatrist to help stabilize and maintain emotional and medical stability. 

Things started to get better from here, obviously I had some downfalls but I am getting better. 

So June and July were months of recovery and struggles, but by August I was more stable than I had been for the majority of the year. 

In August my aforementioned Worship Pastor passed away from Hodgkins Lymphoma. This hit me and my Church community hard because we truly believed we heard a word from God about her being healed. But she was healed, just not in the way we had hoped. She was healed from pain forever. 

My year from here on out was very uneventful. 

The last crazy thing that happened to me was in December when I totaled my car, but compared to the rest of year a car accident felt like nothing. 

My year was whack to say the least. This year was a year of learning and growing for me; I learned a lot about myself, about relationships, about other people, and a lot about how to communicate when you don’t want to communicate. 

Here is to hoping 2020 is a better year for me emotionally. I learned a lot last year, now I just have to put a lot of it into practice.