The World Was Not Made For Me

“The world is not a safe place for us. There are cartographers who came and made a map of the world as they saw it. They did not leave a place for us to write our names on that map. But here we are, we’re in it, this world that does not want us, a world that will never love us, a world that would choose to destroy us rather than make a space for us even though there is more than enough room. There is no room for us because it has been decided that exile is our only choice.”

(Ari) – Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Dive Into the Waters of the World

Sorry y’all, this is a long one : )

This quote is from a book I read earlier this year and holy shit I love it so much. 

The book is about 2 high school boys who fell in love and tried to figure themselves out with each other, but this quote stuck with me so fucking much. Because it so, so true. They both had the ideal circumstances for their lives, they had accepting family and friends. But none of that mattered because they were living in a world that was designed by and for cis-het people. As queer people we have had to develop ourselves in a world that was not made for us. Now, that does not mean queer people do not belong in this world, we do. It just means that we (along with many other marginalized groups) were left out when many institutions that we use today were created. 

This does not mean that all cis-het people are bad. That is not what I’m saying at all and assuming something like that would be absurd. Some cis-het people are the best allies I have ever encountered and for them I am eternally grateful. They have helped me so much in my acceptance of myself. And I hope each and everyone of them know who they are because I love each and everyone of them so, so much. 

For the past 2ish years I have tried to write about my experience growing up queer and I haven’t been able to quite put it into words that people would understand, but this quote helped me so much. This world was not made for me, it is just that simple but it took so long for me to realize why so much is so hard. It is hard simply because it was not designed for me. 

 And I hope that this post will help cis-het people understand the struggles that queer people go through every day of our lives, day in and day out. 

Growing up I learned (as did most people who grew up in similar religious households), that being queer was not right, even evil, and that is not what we were made for. We were taught that queer people had no place in this world. Now, years later I love myself for being queer, not in spite of it. 

I am gay. A 3 word sentence that, nowadays is easy for me to say. I am now able to come out on a daily basis. People see my colored hair, my piercings, my tone of voice, my outfit choices, etc and can easily see that I identify as some sort of queer. But I do lots of these things because I want too, not because of how I identify.

Just because I am comfortable in the way I dress or speak or the color of my hair or the amount of piercings I have or with the tattoos I have (I could list things forever, but I won’t). Just because I am comfortable with all these things does not mean I am safe in the world or even in certain circles I may insert myself in. Just because I am comfortable with myself doesn’t mean that when I go home and visit the Church I grew up in that I will feel comfortable or safe, I won’t. Just because I am comfortable with the way I am doesn’t mean that when I go and visit people who knew a past me I feel the need to censor myself or wear certain clothing. 

I am not comfortable in lots of these situations because these situations were not designed with queer people in mind.

Lots of the people that knew me when I was younger are not comfortable with the idea of queer people or think queer people have no place in this world. The Church, as we know it now, was not designed as a safe space for queer people. While many Churches are progressing their theology to be more Biblical, most Churches are still severely discriminating queer people. And it’s not just queer people, the Church in America discriminates against many other groups of people.

People and institutions are not leaving a place for me to write my name on the map of this world. But I and other queer people will continue to fight for the rights that we deserve. And we have a right to have our names on the map. 

But I now love this world that I have made for me. Other queer people and I are making this world for us daily. We’re just having to use a different map, a map that our queer ancestors created and we are revising to this day.

P.S.

After I finished this post I was editing it (probably poorly) and then I had this thought. But then I think, how different would my life be if this world was made for me? Would I live in North Carolina? Would I still work at Chick-fil-A? What about all the relationships I’ve made here? The good ones and the bad ones. What about the things I’ve learned from the struggles I’ve had? What about the people who helped me through struggles, would I still hold them as high in my mind? What about that thing I blame myself for, would it still have happened? Would I still be encountering the happiness I am now, if I didn’t have to work my ass off to get here? I can’t give you the answer to that, because I don’t know and I don’t think anyone does. But what I do know is, that I am so thankful for my happiness and the work it took to get here, and thankful that I know there is still work to do. 

And then I thought this. I think about the Turner pictured above. How sad he was, how he was about to develop an eating disorder, how in 1.5 years he was going to leave everything he knew for a new adventure. I think about how he was leaving his mark on the map already, but he thought the world was still made for him then.